In my previous post “Tender Creatures” I tackled some of the accusations raised against Islam regarding women’s rights. This time I’m going to continue discussing verse (4:34) which is always utilized in attacking Islam. I have already explained how Allah has given women their financial rights, and how the Islamic law has dignified all women and elevated their status to that of queens by laying their responsibility upon their men. Allah says: “Men are the protectors and caretakers of women, with what Allah has favored each of them above the other (i.e. the men with strength and bigger share in inheritance, and the women with their emotional sympathizing hearts and tenderness) and because the men spend from their means (i.e. taking care of their families)…” [The Qur’an (4:34)]. In short, I have explained how Muslim jurists have deduced the following rules from the mentioned verse:

1. Men must protect their wives and work to provide for their families and comply with their needs.
2. Men are the ones responsible for spending on their families, this is why Allah has given them a bigger share of inheritance.
3. Women have independent financial assets from men.
4. If the man’s income wasn’t enough and his wife supports him, this is considered charity for her and she shall be rewarded for it by Allah.

And as Allah has given women their rights, He also gave men their rights and taught them how to tame disloyal disobedient wives conditioned by first fulfilling their duties towards them as stated and explained before in the first half of the verse. Allah continues in the previous verse saying, “….As to those women whom you fear their recalcitrance, [first], admonish them; [next], abandon them in their beds; [and last], hit them, but if they obey you, then seek not against them any means of annoyance, for Allah is Most High, Great above you all.” [The Qur’an (4:34)]

When any woman reads this verse, she thinks of herself in a pathological way to be the recalcitrant wife referred to in the verse. This leads most women to conclude that the Qur’an is unjust to females. The big problem is that almost all women ignore the fact that many wives do abuse their husbands, not physically, but psychologically. In the above verse, Allah teaches Muslim males how to deal with their wives when they are abusive and shrewish— when they are “Recalcitrant.”

Kindly understand that a recalcitrant wife is not the one who does not cook or clean the house, this is the maid. In Islam women are not obliged to do these tasks except if the husband was incapable of hiring a servant or a maid —in such case, he should try to help his wife whenever he can like the prophet was recorded to do. Lady ‘Āʾishah described the prophet’s attitude inside the house saying: “He always joined in household work and would at times mend his clothes, repair his footwear and sweep the floor. He would milk, tether, and feed the animals and do the household shopping.” [Recorded by Bukhari].
She also said: “The prophet used to sew his clothes, mend his footwear, and work like the rest of the men for his house.” [Recorded by Ahmad]

The recalcitrant wife is the one who always refuses to listen to her husband whenever he tries to advise her on something good or acceptable by common sense. She deals with her marital life as if she was still single, hence, her husband’s words have no value whatsoever. She is characterized by a domineering attitude; for example, She deliberately invites to the house people who disrespect her husband. She embarrasses her husband in front of others intentionally by disclosing the secrets of their life together and mentioning his imperfections. She treats him badly in front of people and yells at him. She is the sort of wife who would disobey her husband’s big NOs to degrade his status, or would betray his trusts and secrets. She’s the wife who would not hesitate to treat her husband’s parents and relatives coldly in a way that offends them and him; a wife who would refuse to receive his relatives in their house or treats them in a vulgar manner —which is never the case with her relatives; a wife who spends lavishly more money than her husband can afford putting him in a critical situation; a wife who goes out as she likes without informing her husband leaving him to worry, and if he asks her where she was, she won’t answer or tell lies; a wife who doesn’t think of her husband’s comfort most times; a wife who always deals with matters in her way neglecting his opinions, etc… The examples are too many; hence, this verse is not speaking about a normal couple having normal problems, nothing of that sort; it’s speaking about a very special case in which the wife’s shrewish attitude is about to destroy the marriage for good.

Since that such woman is the one on whom there is fear from leading a single life without a man to protect, console, work to provide for, and be her shield from whatever destiny holds. And since that it’s not easy for a divorced woman to find a husband or receive new marriage proposals, especially that her recalcitrant attitude will most probably be disclosed within the circle of her acquaintances. For all such reasons and before rushing to the easy solution of separation and divorce, and for the protection of such a woman and her sacred marital life, Allah prescribed the manner in which a husband should tame his shrewish wife. The main purpose is to make her realize that his feelings towards her have changed, may she reform her ill-treatment.

First, he should speak things out with her and try to admonish her, for like his duty as a husband is to protect her and provide her with all her needs whether emotional or financial, her duty is to support him. If admonishing works, then he should stick to this attitude to reform her flaws. If it doesn’t work and she persists in returning to her arrogant attitude, then he should change his strategy to something new. The second step is to abandon her in bed, meaning that he should give her his back when they go to sleep. Most jurists said that this bed-boycott should not extend for more than one month. Some jurists preponderated that he should not share the same bed with her during this period. If after this month she continues to treat him insolently and didn’t care at all about his depression, there is still one final step remaining that may wake her up before resorting to separation. The purpose of this step is to make her realize that this man has had enough, he cannot withstand her shrewdness anymore. Hence, the husband may hit his wife lightly when she abuses him, he may, for instance, give her a strong shoulder shake or grab her arms when in anger. In the next few lines I shall explain how and why was this prescription given in the Qur’an, and how did Prophet Muhammad explain it to his companions.

Before the advent of Islam, used to the customs of their rough Bedouin life, the men of Makkah resorted to beating their wives in any case of recalcitrance, and sometimes resorted very quickly to divorce in order to avoid the headache. After the advent of Islam, Prophet Muhammad denied beating women, and he forbade Muslim men totally from doing that saying: “Do not hit women.” [Recorded by Ibn-Sa’d and Baihaqy]. Many years later on, after immigration to Madinah, Makkan women mingled with the women of Madinah whose manners were much wilder. This stimulated the Makkan women to imitate their new friends, especially that they knew of the prohibition the prophet had promulgated before. This escalated to the extent that companion ‘Omar Ibn al-Khattab went complaining to the prophet and said: “O prophet, women have become domineering with their husbands.” Then it happened once that one of the companions lost his tempers with his wife and slapped her. This woman went complaining to her father who took her to the prophet to judge between her and her husband. Enraged with this unacceptable act, Prophet Muhammad gave a verdict that this husband should be slapped back by his wife in the same manner he had slapped her. It was at this moment that the above verse was revealed to the prophet informing him that his judgment was not the most correct, for it will only increase the breach done, and totally destroy the marriage. The allowance to hit shrewish wives was given but with rules that the prophet explained to the companions, he said:
“Hit them lightly.” [Recorded by Ibn-Jarir on the authority of ‘Ekrimah]
“Never hit the face, never uglify (i.e. say: you ugly so and so), never withdraw away from her except inside the house.” [Recorded by Abu-Dāwud and Ibn-Maja]
“The best among you are those who won’t hit their wives.” [Recorded by Ibn-Sa’d and Baihaqy]
“Commend kindness towards your women, for they are entrusted to you, and don’t  you hold anything against them except if they do a manifest abominable deed, if they do so, then abandon them in their beds and hit them lightly, but if they obey you then seek not against them means (of annoyance). Know that you have rights and your women have rights too. As for your rights, they shouldn’t host or invite anyone you hate to your house, and as for their rights, you should treat them in the way they favor when dressing them or feeding them.” [Recorded by Tirmidhī]
“The most perfect believers are the best in conduct, and the best of you are those who are good to their wives.” [Recorded by Abu-Dāwud]
“A believer should not hate his wife, for if he hates any of her manners, he will surely find another to love.” [Recorded by Muslim]
“None but a noble man treats women in an honorable manner, and none but an ignoble man treats women disgracefully.” [Recorded by Tirmidhī]

Prophet Muhammad forbade Muslim males from resorting to this hitting allowance so quickly when losing their tempers. The prophet also emphasized that if a man resorted to hitting his wife, then he must understand that this is his love, he should not hurt her or hit her in a manner that increases the breach between them. He said: “How could anyone of you hit his wife like slaves are hit, then make love to her at night?!” [Recorded by Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhī, and others]. This was a denial for any tough hitting and a degradation for its doer. After the prophet’s departure, the companions were asked about the manner of hitting, and they gave the same explanation stressing that the hitting meant should be lightly done. This was the opinion of companion Ibn ’Abbās, and Sa’eed Ibn-Al-Jubair, Ekremah, Al-Sha’aby, Al-Hassan, Qatadah and others from the scholars of the second generation.

When Ibn ’Abbās, was asked about the kind of hitting that wouldn’t hurt women physically but reprimand her, he said: “Hit her with your Siwak.” [Recorded by Tabari]. Siwak: is a sort of toothbrush in size and function, it is extracted from a certain type of trees. Arabs use it in brushing their teeth and they always keep it in their pockets. It’s about 5 inches in length, less than quarter an inch in diameter, and it’s malleable.

And since that we should not take a verse of the book and leave another, earlier in this same chapter Allah says: “… Consort with your wives in kindness, for if you hate them it may happen that you hate a thing wherein Allah has placed great good.” [The Qur’an (4:19)]. In this verse Allah is teaching Muslim males not to resort quickly to take any action against their wives when they hate their attitude, but they must treat them kindly and try to be as patient as they can, perhaps Allah has concealed for them happiness in the future, and the troublesome wife will reform her attitude.

Allah also says: “Verily, there is a good model for you in the Prophet for one who seeks (the forgiveness of) Allah on the Last Day, and remembers Allah profusely.” [The Qur’an (33:21)]. About this, Lady ‘Āʾishah said: “Never had the prophet’s hands hit a servant, a woman or anyone at all except at battle.” [Recorded by Bukhari and Muslim]. The prophet was once boycotted by all his wives. All he did was that he withdrew from them all, and secluded himself inside the mosque, giving them a chance to decide what they wished for. From all this, we may now understand that this hitting allowance was given for a very special case in which the wife’s shrewish attitude blinded her from realizing the danger of living alone if her husband leaves her. It’s a kind of shock therapy that was allowed for persistently shrewish wives. It is not to harm her physically, its sole purpose is to remind her that this guy she is giving a hard time is her closest friend and companion in this life, and he is about to leave, may she come back to her senses and show more devotion to him. It’s the last warning before resorting to separation, may she revise her attitude and reform it.

May Allah guide us all to the truth and what’s better, Amen.

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Written By: Ehab Shawky